


camila

by laurenjauregui



Series: you make me sick (for being so perfect) deleted scenes [4]
Category: Fifth Harmony (Band)
Genre: F/F, autistic!lauren, the ymms thing you've all been waiting for: camila's backstory in detail
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-10-21 00:55:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10674348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurenjauregui/pseuds/laurenjauregui
Summary: Camila Cabello has never been a particularly strong person.





	camila

Camila has never been a particularly strong person.

In fact, she’s always been more of a sit back, let things happen, even if you don’t entirely agree with it kind of person. She doesn’t want attention drawn to her, and being one of those strong willed people is kind of terrifying.

She makes her first friends when she moves from Cuba. She knows hardly any English, and Marielle and Sandra know hardly any Spanish, but they make it work. She starts to understand them easily enough – especially with her extra lessons outside of school – and she _knows_ that they make fun of her accent.

Even when Camila’s starts to fade away, she’s heard them mocking her mom behind her back, and even though she wants to tell them off, it’ll draw attention to her, and she’ll lose her friends, and she doesn’t want to be like that weird girl who has no friends.

She wants to fit in and just not _worry_ about things.

-

Shortly after moving to the United States, Camila’s mom takes her to a doctor, and she’s diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder. There’s a list of prescribed medications that they can’t pay for, because Sinu is trying to get back into school, and they’re struggling enough as it is, so Camila tells her mom not to worry about it. She tells her she’s fine, that the panic attacks she’s been having are probably just because she misses dad.

-

It gets worse as she moves on to middle school. _Everyone_ is bitchy in middle school, and Marielle and Sandra tell her that if she wants to be popular and accepted, then she has to follow certain rules. She has to do certain things, wear particular clothing brands, and listen to the _right_ music.

She tries so hard to do that. Even though she loves her dad’s Latin music, and is happy to share an iPod with him, she forces herself to like the things everyone else likes. Flying under the radar is what she wants to do, because she doesn’t want to be ostracised, or worse, _bullied_.

In class one day, she’s paired with the girl she never talks to that much. She’s quiet and shy, and Camila can relate to her in that aspect, because she’s an introvert herself. But this girl has no friends, and she’s heard so many stories about how weird she is, and how she shouldn’t get mixed up with people like her.

They form a tentative kind of friendship as they work on projects together, but one day, the girl, Hailee, comes over to her while she’s with Marielle and Sandra.

“Hey, Mila,” Hailee smiles, “have you got the notes for yesterday’s class? I was sick.”

Before Camila can reply, Marielle scoffs. “Why are you talking to our friend? Nobody wants to hang out with someone like you. Right, Mila?”

Camila’s heart hammers in her chest, because she knows that agreeing with Marielle is wrong. She knows that laughing along to the things they say about everyone behind their backs is wrong. She _knows_ all of this, and she knows how she’d feel in that position, but before the glare her friends are sending her scares her enough to make her forget all of that.

“Uh, yeah, right,” Camila murmurs, trying to ignore the big lump in her throat when Hailee’s face falls. “Nobody wants to hang out with _you_.”

When a crestfallen Hailee leaves, Camila excuses herself to the bathroom, locks herself in a stall and deals with the panic attack alone, like she always does.

-

The only moment in middle school she actually considers _good_ is when her baby sister, Sofia, is born. Camila swears that no matter what, she’ll look after her sister, and make sure she has a happy, full life.

When she holds Sofia for the first time, Camila cries, and promises herself that she’s never going to let anything hurt this perfect little girl.

-

When she reaches high school, her friends make her join cheerleading. She knows it’s the stupidest idea ever, because she trips over her own feet at least three times a day, but for some unknown reason, she actually makes it onto the squad.

She hates it. She doesn’t like cheerleading at all. She wanted to join band, but Marielle and Sandra told her that if she joined band, they wouldn’t hang out with her anymore, because they’re not being seen with some social outcast.

She knows it’s all stupid. High school won’t matter in the long run. She’s never going to meet the people that actually _mean_ anything until college.

But she still does what her friends tell her, because she doesn’t want them to leave her.

It’s on the cheer squad where she meets Ariana. She’s absolutely enthralled by her, and at first, Camila classifies it as a strong want to be friends with her. Ariana is a year older, beautiful, popular, head cheerleader, everything that Camila has been told is important.

One day, in the locker room after cheer practice, she turns around at what feels like the wrong moment, and sees Ariana’s shirtless chest and can’t seem to tear her gaze away. Ariana looks up and catches her, and Camila quickly turns back around, flustered, her stomach twisting and turning and praying to _god_ she hadn’t just been caught.

When Camila gets home, she worries so much about _why_ she feels so weird around Ariana that she has a panic attack, because she knows that if she’s _gay_ , which she isn’t, her parents wouldn’t approve, and Camila can’t handle that. She’s only fourteen, and Marielle and Sandra would sure as hell ditch her if they found out.

She’d have nobody, and Camila can’t handle being alone.

She _can’t_ be gay. There’s no way, she’s had crushes on boys before, and she just _admires_ Ariana. Obviously.

The next day at lunch, Marielle and Sandra make her sit with the cheerleaders as usual, and Ariana moves to sit next to her. Camila internally freaks out – what if Ariana was about to shout at her for the day before? What if she told everyone that Camila is gay, even if she isn’t? She could _ruin_ her.

But Ariana just smiles at her and asks her about her day, and Camila tries not to make her relief look obvious.

-

Camila is so stressed one night, she throws one of Sofi’s toys against the wall in a fit of anger. Her little sister cries so much that it distracts her from her internal crisis, and Camila cradles her little sister in her arms as they watch _Finding Nemo_ on the couch to apologise.

In Sofi’s little three year old mind, that’s enough of an apology, but later on, Sinu comes into Camila’s room and asks her if everything is okay.

Camila breaks down crying, but she can’t tell her mom anything. She’d get disowned, and there’s nobody that’d take her in.

Sinu, however, holds her as she cries and says, “Mija, if there’s anything you need to tell me, I’m always here to listen.”

“I’m just…” Camila huffs, “stressed about school.”

“Are you sure that’s it?” Sinu asks, and Camila nods.

Her mother doesn’t push her further.

-

It takes Camila a long time to come to terms with the fact that _yes_ , she has feelings for Ariana, and that she does in fact like girls.

It stems from how close she and Ariana have gotten – the butterflies when Ariana jokingly flirts with her – that she finally has to accept it at face value. She comes to the conclusion that she’s bisexual, and hopes that she’ll end up with a boy, so she won’t ever have to come out to her parents.

The first day of Camila’s sophomore year, Ariana corners her in the empty locker room. She gets close to her, and Camila can smell her perfume, her breath catching in her throat. Ariana leans in, and Camila swears to _god_ , she’s going to die and go to heaven if she gets her first kiss here.

But Ariana stops, her lips centimetres away from Camila’s, and murmurs, “You like me, don’t you, Camila?”

A nervous Camila shakes her head in denial; Ariana just laughs.

“In denial?” Ariana smirks. “Not realised you like girls yet?”

“I- I don’t…” Camila mumbles, knowing full well that she does, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I know you have a crush on me,” Ariana says, “I know that you get off on staring at me while I change. I’ve known since you first joined the squad. I know that you’re gay.”

“I’m not gay,” Camila defends herself, “I’m just… I’m bi. But I don’t- I don’t like you. Like that, I mean. You’re a good friend, but…”

“You do,” Ariana interrupts her, “and you don’t want people to find out about it, do you? Your friends won’t go near you if they find out. Your family… I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty sure they’re strict people. I could ruin you.”

Camila doesn’t know what to say. She doesn’t think she can physically form any words. The only thing going through her head is that she can’t _breathe_ , and she needs to get away. Ariana doesn’t let her. She watches as Camila tries to stop the worst panic attack she’s ever had, rolling her eyes.

“Oh, give me a fucking break,” Ariana rolls her eyes, “unless you want me to tell everyone about your creepy little crush, and how you have peep holes in the locker rooms, you’re going to do everything I say.”

Camila, still trying to calm herself down, just nods helplessly.

Ariana leaves the locker room, and when Camila has calmed herself down, skips the rest of the day.

-

That night, she gets a text from an unknown number, reading, _already got tons of homework. Get it all done by Friday or I’ll tell everyone._

-

Camila changes her phone number twice. Once, early on in her sophomore year, telling her parents that it’s listed as a salon on google, and that she keeps getting phone calls in the middle of school. The second time, she does it by herself, trying to avoid the awful texts she’s been getting.

It’s always an unknown number, but she _knows_ it’s Ariana.

When she gets her third phone number, she gives it to Sandra and Marielle, and tells them not to give it to anybody.

A day later, she gets a text from _unknown_ , telling her that she’s not getting away that easily.

-

Sinu wants to take Camila to the doctor, because she hasn’t been happy since the start of the school year, and as it gets closer to exam season, Camila becomes more and more depressed, and her grades are slipping, because if she doesn’t get Ariana’s up to a 4.0, she’ll tell everyone, and Camila can’t risk losing Marielle and Sandra, who she’s known for years, or having her family find out.

 _God_ , she just wishes she could be straight.

One night, a concerned Marielle comes over and tells her she’s worried. Camila is surprised, because her friends never usually asked her if she was okay. If she was sad, she used to go to them, but Ariana said that if she mentions it to anybody, she’ll out her without a second thought.

Camila brushes her off, and instead of pushing for answers, Marielle just shrugs and tells her about the boy she likes. Camila _wishes_ she could talk to someone, and she really hopes that somehow, somebody will find out what Ariana is doing to her. Someone will see the texts and she’ll get in trouble for blackmail and homophobia.

But if that happens, then Camila gets outed. There’s really no way out of this, and Camila has accepted that she’s going to be miserable for the rest of her high school career.

-

Towards the end of her sophomore year, Sinu holds Camila’s phone up, open on one of the texts from the unknown number.

“Karla Camila Cabello, how long has this been going on?” Sinu sits down across from her, showing the hateful texts that threaten to out her, to the others, which Camila assumes are what Ariana sends when she gets bored.

When a new text pops up on the screen, reading, _go kill yourself, fucking pervert_ , Camila bursts into tears, but doesn’t fall into her mom’s arms like she usually would.

Because if Sinu has read the texts, then she _knows_.

“Mija,” Sinu pulls her in for a hug, but Camila, hyperventilating, pushes her away, “Mija, breathe. I need you to tell me who’s harassing you. We can do something about this-”

Camila, not sure _what_ her mom is talking about, splutters out between breaths, “Don’t you hate me?”

“Hate you?” Sinu stares at her with wide eyes. “I could _never_ -”

“But I’m-” Camila closes her eyes and tries to control her breathing, “I’m- I’m a _freak_.”

Sinu holds her as she cries, and when Camila is finally calm enough to talk properly, explains herself. “Mija, I don’t care if you’re gay. I’ve known since you were little and you always talked about how you wanted to marry the yellow Power Ranger.”

Camila lets out a watery laugh. “I’m not- I’m not gay. I’m bisexual. But- um, you- you really don’t care?”

“I don’t,” Sinu promises her, “you’re my daughter and your papi and I will love you no matter what. Now, tell me who’s sending you these texts? How long has it been happening?”

“All year,” Camila admits, “but I can’t- I can’t tell you. She’s going to tell everyone at school and- and I just- I’ll lose all my friends, because Marielle and Sandra, you know what they’re like-”

“I’ve never liked those girls,” Sinu murmurs, and Camila sniffles, “we’ll try and move your school. Get you away from this person who’s bullying you. It’ll all be okay, mija. I promise.”

Camila spends the rest of the night in a numb state of relief, so happy that her family accept her as she is.

-

A few weeks later, Camila, still hating her school life but happy at home, gets some news. She doesn’t know how to feel about it.

“Your papi got a transfer,” Sinu tells her over dinner, “We’re moving to Miami.”

The first thought is _oh my god, I’m going to get away from Ariana_. Her second thought is, _but I’m also leaving behind everything I’ve ever known and my only two friends._

It’s some weird, mixed emotion of happiness and sadness, but Marielle and Sandra can visit her, right?

Camila decides that as long as she’s away from _her_ , she’s happy.

-

They move to Miami the day after she finishes sophomore year. Camila _wishes_ she could go up to Ariana and tell her everything she truly thinks about her, but there’s still Marielle and Sandra she’s not out to, and she _knows_ that they won’t be okay with it.

They’d seen a queer couple in the streets a few weeks ago, innocently holding hands, and Marielle and Sandra had called it disgusting, and shouted at the couple to keep it private. When the Guzmans weren’t looking, however, Camila had mouthed a small, “I’m sorry,” at the couple. When they smiled, she felt a little better.

On her last day of school, Marielle and Sandra hug her goodbye and act as though Camila had just told them she’s about to die. After promises of visiting, Camila goes home to finish packing, with no intention of ever setting foot in that school ever again.

-

Camila is lonely for most of the summer. She’s in Miami, and she doesn’t know anybody, so she spends most of her days exploring and taking Sofi to the park or the aquarium.

One time they go to the zoo, and Sofi gets super excited about all of the animals, running around so fast that Camila can barely catch up. They pass the lion enclosure after Sofi decides to give all the little cubs names, and when her sister darts away to see the leopards, she bumps into a girl around Camila’s age, with messy raven hair.

Camila calls back with a quick apology as she rushes past the girl to catch up with her sister. “Sorry, she’s just excited!”

The girl doesn’t answer back, but Camila shrugs it off, forgetting about the encounter entirely by the time she and Sofi get home.

-

On her first day at her new school, Camila decides that she’s going in completely unfeeling. She’s not going to make friends, she’s not going to get involved with cheerleading for _sure_ , and she’s definitely not going to develop a crush.

Her first few classes go by easily – she would’ve died on the spot if the teacher had made her introduce herself – but it’s in her fourth period physics class when she notices a girl staring at her. The girl is tall, blonde and dressed as though she’s on a runway, and Camila is kind of intimidated, considering she’d just thrown on a t-shirt and jeans in an effort to look as average as possible.

She doesn’t want to stick out, but the way this girl is looking at her makes her think she _is._

When the bell rings for lunch, and the girl looks like she’s coming in Camila’s direction, the Latina speeds off, checking her school map until she finally tracks down the cafeteria. She buys a banana, thankful that she’d arrived there before the long line, and decides that she’ll find refuge in the library.

Camila likes libraries. They’re quiet, and being surrounded by books, whether fictional or regular school textbooks is comforting to her, because there’s always something to learn from them.

She gets out her own book from her bag, the first _Harry Potter_ book, and settles down to read, looking forward to a long, peaceful lunch hour before classes start again.

A few minutes later, and a shadow is blocking her reading light, so she looks up and tries not to be too nervous when she sees the blonde girl from her physics class.

“You’re new, right?”

-

Even though she _swore_ she wouldn’t make friends, somehow she ends up with three by the end of her first day. She doesn’t count that other girl, Lauren, because she hasn’t done anything to make her feel welcome – not even a simple ‘nice to meet you’ that wasn’t prompted by one of her friends.

She tells her mom about Dinah, Normani and Ally, and how she thinks that maybe she _could_ actually start fresh here. Maybe she’ll find actual friends.

-

On her third day, she goes home feeling like an absolute jerk.

Lauren, the girl she’d been constantly complaining about to her mom about being _rude_ , isn’t actually rude at all. Camila had been a horrible person to an autistic girl, and she feels like the literal worst human being alive. Even worse than Ariana.

She’s always wanted to be nice to everyone, and she tells herself that she _had_ tried with Lauren, but with the other girl’s lack of response, Camila had assumed she didn’t like her, and that had upset her a little. Lauren didn’t even know her, and in Camila’s mind, she’d made a judgement before getting to know her.

In reality, it was _Camila_ who had done that.

-

At the end of her first week of school, Camila decides to stay late and get some of her work done in the library. She’s never usually that organised with homework, but she wants to make a good first impression on her teachers.

Besides, Fridays are the only days her mom can’t pick her up, and staying late until Sinu can come and get her is a better option than taking the bus.

At around half past four, Camila gets a text from her mom, saying she’s on her way, so she packs away her things and heads out of the library. She’s scrolling through her Twitter feed, not really paying much attention to where she’s going, when she bumps into someone.

She glances up, and for a split second, meets Lauren’s bright green gaze.

“Oh, hi,” Camila says, reaching down and picking up the book Lauren had dropped, recognising it as the girl’s sketchbook. “Sorry, I wasn’t looking.”

“It’s okay,” Lauren murmurs, not meeting her gaze and rocking on her heels, “Am I-, um…”

When Lauren doesn’t finish her question, Camila frowns. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong, I am fine,” Lauren mumbles, “I was just- um, wanting to know if I’m still… still invited to your house. Next week.”

“Uh, yeah,” Camila answers, “you are. Are you heading home now?”

“I- um, yes,” Lauren quietly responds, “My mom is- um, picking me up.”

Camila smiles. “Same. Want to walk out together?”

“I- um,” Lauren stutters, before nodding her head and following Camila towards the school doors.

An awkward silence falls between them, and Camila, not really knowing what to talk to Lauren about, just says, “So… why are you here late?”

Lauren shrugs, “Art.”

“Oh,” Camila answers, trailing off, “cool.”

They walk outside, Camila one hundred percent aware of the awkward silence and wishing that one of the girls were here to fill it.

Camila stops, spotting her mom’s car, and turns to say goodbye to Lauren, but the other girl is already running over to a different car and hopping into the passenger seat.

After a few moments, Camila turns and heads to her mom’s car, trying not to dwell too much on the awkwardness.

-

When Sandra and Marielle come and visit, Camila finds herself sucked back into her old ways. She _knows_ they’re making fun of Lauren and being as subtle as they can about it, but whenever she tries to defend her beautiful girlfriend, the words get stuck in her throat, because even though she doesn’t see Marielle and Sandra every day anymore, she still cares what they think.

She prays that Lauren won’t leave her for this, because she’s really falling for her, and it’d hurt so much.

Every single time they say something, she sees Lauren deflate more and more, and she wants nothing more than to make her smile, but she’s frozen in fear of what her friends will say to her. She _knows_ they’ll hate her, and they’re her oldest friends. Losing them would be like losing an arm.

When Marielle calls Lauren the ‘r’ word, Camila gets so angry that the fear melts away and she snaps at them both. The sight of Lauren, cowering away, hurts her more than anything Marielle and Sandra could say to her.

After promptly kicking them out, she spends time with an upset Lauren, and while her girlfriend has cheered up significantly, Camila can tell that she’s still hurting by the time she goes home.

Camila cries herself to sleep that night. Not because she cares about Marielle and Sandra, but because indirectly, she hurt Lauren. She shouldn’t have let it go on for that long, and she hates herself for being such a coward.

-

“You’re so… gentle,” Camila comments as Lauren helps an upside down bumblebee onto a flower. “How could anyone hurt you?”

Lauren shrugs. “People like to be mean.”

“I want to protect you.” Camila murmurs, watching as the bee flies away from them. “I just… I wish I was as brave as you. You’ve been through so much… abuse. But you’re still such a gentle and loving person.”

Lauren looks up at her, bright green eyes meeting hers before she pulls her in for a kiss. “You’re a gentle and loving person, too. I know you think you’re not, because you get angry sometimes, like our fight a little while ago, but you really are a beautiful person, Camz. You just need a little help sometimes because bad people have manipulated you in the past.”

“Still,” Camila plays with Lauren’s fingers and smiles as her girlfriend plucks a flower from the grass and tucks it behind Camila’s ear, “I wish I was like you, Laur. I want to be good enough for you.”

Lauren smiles at her. “You’re already good enough. You’re brave and strong, like a lion. But you can’t steal my nickname, I’m still Lolo lion.”

Camila realises that she’s been strong all along. It’s just taken a beautiful person like Lauren to help her realise it.


End file.
